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The first time that I saw one in my feed, I physically cringed. I was not feeling disgust for the model. Rather, I was experiencing an involuntary spasm of self-loathing.

I quickly scrolled on. But a few days later, another picture showed up. And soon I was being confronted by an erotic fat picture every second or third day.

I went through a range of emotions, unreasonable anger being primary. After about the third week of this, I began writing about it during my morning journaling.

Why did erotic pictures of fat women bother me more than any other erotic picture I had ever seen? Oh God, he must be disgusted by me.

I am a fat woman. There I said it. But even as I make that statement, I want to follow it with a paragraph explaining that I am not that fat and that I have only fallen back into this disgraceful condition following three years of illnesses, injuries, surgeries, and convalescence.

But I am trying to learn from my friends in the fat-friendly culture that fat is not something to be ashamed of. According to them, being fat is not an outward manifestation of moral depravity, severe psychological problems, or even an absence of healthy habits.

As a friend of mine says every time I bemoan my most recent fall from my idealized eating goals into a pattern of normal human eating: It is pasta, not genocide.

Being fat, in our society, is like a shroud of penance that we are supposed to wear all of the time. We are not allowed to enjoy food—ever.

There is an extremely limited selection of clothes but a never-ending list of rules for dressing. No baring our arms, and we should absolutely stay away from short skirts, leggings, or skinny jeans.

It had been crushed in a car accident. So not only was it crisscrossed by scars, but there were several sickening hollows in places where bone should have been and mounds that spoke of clear deformity.

During those years, I felt obligated to protect the sensibility of others by keeping that leg under wraps. The one time that I willfully displayed my leg was when one of my supervisors was critical because I did not take the stairs.

I wore a short dress to our next meeting without opaque tights. I could see on his face the minute he saw my leg. They filled in the divots and cut out some of the most obvious scars.

Of course many scars are still very obvious. But I no longer feel the need to protect others by covering up my leg. How I felt about my leg is how I felt for years about my body: obligated to protect the world from its repugnance.

Fat was worse than being ugly. It was being deformed in a way that made people queasy. Sadly, losing weight only reinforced my belief that I had been grotesque when fat.

People did not just compliment me on looking better, their entire opinion of me—my intellect, morality, and competence—changed. I was suddenly smarter, funnier, more reliable, better at my job, a fashionista, and above all, far more credible.

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